When She Smiles
by dani.the.ODH
Summary: eventual character death. only cause im cruel. and i love dean too much to let him live. even if kripke decides to keep him. he loves her too much to keep her for himself. cause he doesnt know what to do with all that love. eventual mature.
1. Faith in the Nonbeliever

"Hey." 

"Hey."

He pauses. "Hey."

She's smiling. "Dean, what do you want?" She doesnt say it in that demanding voice. In that 'why are you here, why are you taking precious time out of my day' voice. It's relaxing. To hear her talk to him in the voice of someone who cares.

"Dean?" She's still smiing. And looking at him in that face hes missed. That big smile and that slightly slanted brow.

But that damn smile. He hates that smile. That damn smile that makes him hate himself for putting this all on her. That damn smile that makes him realize he only has 8 more months to live. Makes him realize how bad he wants her and he loves her but he can't and she won't and... That damn smile.

"Nah. Nah. We can get to that. How have you been? Really?"

_Really._

She's still smiling.

"Good."

And he hates her. Because she's good. And he wasn't there. She's better off without him--

"Really?" He has to stop himself. He has to ask her. All feelings for her aside. 'Cause this is for Sam. And Sam is the only one that matters. "And Jim? Jim's good too." And now he's smiling. 'Cause Jim makes her life. He makes her. Jim is her everything. And it makes him happy that she still has someone to protect her. Even if it's not him. She's protected--

And he's gonna cry.

She dips her head. And that smile's gone. And the only thing he can see for that split second are those pink champeigne lips.

And shes smiling that damn smile again. Only her eyes aren't lit up anymore.

"Jimmy."

And she _pauses._ Like she has to think **hard **to remember him.

"He's good too."

She's looking down. And he thinks she's contemplating whether to go on or if its just too painful to share this rememberance with anyone else.

"He got married."

And her eyes. Those beautiful eyes that he thinks God got the idea for the ocean from. Go red.

"He didn't tell me. But I read about in the paper. It seemed nice. And it was Lucy. I always said it was gonna be Lucy for him."

He can't tell her. He can't do this to her. Not now.

"Dean. Really. What do you want?"

But he has to.

"Ok. Ok. I have a brother."

He tells her for the first time. All these years hes known her and loved her and she finds out about Sam _now._

She looks at him. And he can see in her eyes a million questions.

_Why haven't you told me before. Why now? After i told you_ _--_

But she's still wearing that damn smile.

"He's a couple years younger than you."

"Dean. Why are you telling me this. I mean. Hey, you have a brother. Well that's super. But. Couldn't you have told me that over the phone?"

Out of all the questions he knows are buzzing through her head she chooses that one.

God. He loves her.

"Heh. Yeah. I guess I could have."

Her eyes light back up.

And he must be wearing his feelings on his face right now. 'Cause that damn smile goes away for more than a split second and her eyes dim and shes frowning and goddamn if it doesnt look like shes about to cry 'cause she knows him. She knows him too goddamn well.

"Dean. What did you do?"

And she's leaning over the table. And she has your hand clenched in hers.

"His names Sam. And uh--_he can chant ancient latin rituals. why is this the hardest thing hes ever had to say_.--And i had to help him out. Ya know. Big brother charm and all."

That's right Dean. Make it a joke and it will all go away.

And she's leaning back. And she lets go of his hand. And she--

"Dean. What did you do?"

"If.--

_when._

"--something happens to me. I want you to meet Sam here. Please. I can't leave him alone. I cant leave him unprotected. He's my little brother."

And he knows he's crossed the line with her but he can't help it. He loves his brother too.

And there they are. Those tears that he knew he saw. And it takes every muscle in his body to keep him from reaching across the table and kissing them away. Kiss her until everything in the world just turns into mush and it's just them. Just him and her and **THAT** life togther.

But hes giving her to Sam. She's going to be the ultimate sacrifice and she doesnt even know it.


	2. Sometimes isn't Nearly Enough

Sam's life has become nothing but maybe's. 

_Maybe_ he stays with her because he's alone. _Maybe_ he stays with her because she reminds him of Dean. _Maybe_ he stays with her because these days, he just doesn't have the energy to try.

But mostly, he thinks, it's because of how he wakes up with her body wrapped around him like a snake going in for the kill. And how it makes him feel safer than he has in months.

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Sometimes. When he wakes up with her coconut scented hair fanned out before him and his arms entertwined under and over her body, he thinks he might have been the one who died. He looks up from the home he's made of her chest to her soft face and bright freckles, small hands wrapped around the back of his neck, and the slight curve of a porcelain neck. When he hears thunder roll in the distance. No. This may not be heaven, but it's as close as a Winchester will ever be.

He has to get up. Has to get up and get away from her before the memories come back. Flooding his brain and his heart to the point where he's afraid to move less he break it. And sometimes, he thinks that if he even looks back at her, all warm and soft and _Dean's_ and then he feels her hands on his shoulders. Feels her warm breath on his neck and her soft lips caress--

He gets off the bed as quickly as he can. Takes a few steps and he can hear her sharp intake of breath. Her downcast eyes. Almost as if she's been stung. Serves her right. Everything about her so goddamn warm. He's cold. He's nothing without _Dean_ there to prove he's worth dying for. But her. So warm. All smiles and good intentions. And suddenly his eyes are watering up and before he can help himself he looks back at her. The sheet around her waist. Her pale breasts exposed. Tainted by teeth marks matching his own. Scratches and scars--(not all by him). And she's still looking down. Shaking her head and holding her hands in her lap and fidgeting under the covers not knowing what to do with her outstretched legs. She never knows what to do when he's like this. And he hates himself. Hates that all she wants is to make _**HIM**_, the man she loved, _loves_, _**BROTHER**_ feel wanted. Needed. And then he's on top of her.

_Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry_.

He can't say it enough. And he's kissing her and she has her hands buried in his hair and he's kissing her breasts and her stomach where it swells, her gift to him. A gift he can see as well as hear. Something that says 'Yes. Sam. I still need you. Dont leave me. Dont leave us.' And he's pushing inside her and she's moaning and he thinks its the sweetest sound he has ever heard.

No. This isn't heaven. This is something far more beautiful.


End file.
